Yisdy mornen I'd
a filim crew round
Wot wus from
Narridge Televishun, wot
Wanta do a
progrum on me becos,
Y’ see, me
anals hev took orf now - wot
With me hevin
bin in the newspearper
And wot with the
Prufusser hevin bin
Orn the radeo
so, y’see, they want
To reserve me on
filim afore its
Too leart. Well,
they orl tan up here about
Nine thatty in
thar hooge gret lorrey - wot
They park out
the front and wot toterlly
Block up the
hull o the main willage street
So that noboddy
cunt hardly git parst
And then they
unload orl o thar ole gear
And cart it rite
thru me house cos, y’see,
The direcktin
bluk wanta start orf with
Me in the back
gardun a doin some
Diggin cos he
wanta hev some ackshun.
Well, he soon
hev some ackshun cos, y’see,
Shortly arter he
start his filmin,
'Bobby' - wot is
my dorg escearpe outa
The gardun shid
- where I hev him lockt up
And hev a go at
the direcktin bluk
Cos, y’see,
Bobby dorn't loike brite colors
And the
direcktin bluk hev orn a pear
O red trowsars.
Well, the direcktin bluk
Try n shearke
Bobby orf and in the end
He do - only, in
doin so he go
Rite over
backwoods and sit down on top
O me ole compust
heep - wot wunt hev bin
Too bad only
that mornen I hed just
Put out some
rotten ole fruit, wot a sqwidge
Orl over the
bottom o his trowsars.
Well, anyrud
things dint git no better
For him in the
arternoon cos, y’see,
He decide that
he wanta hev me orn
Locearshun - so
wot he do wus hire
Some rowen boats
orf a ole Mr. Dye
So that we cud
orl go out on the broad.
Well, we soon
set orf alorng the ole dyke,
With the
direcktin bluk, the camra bluk
And the sound
bluk in one boat and with me
And the intarvue
bluk in the other.
Well, we drop
anckar up some ole corner
And the
intarvuin bluk start arskin
His qweschuns
and everythin go orl rite,
Til, that is,
one o them hooge gret crewsars
Come alorng wot
wus doin well over
The speed limat
and wus a creertin
A hooge wearke
behind it. Well, the thing wus
That the
direcktin bluk - wot wus standin
Up in his boat
at the toime in order
To git a better
vue for filmin
Cunt see it a
comin cos, y’see, he
Was fearcin in
the wrong direckshun,
So when the
wearke eventually crash inta
His boat he wunt
exspectin it and so
That caterpullt
him rite over the side
And inta the
warter. Well, the funny
Thing wus that
just afore he go inta
The warter he
hed a full head o hare
On im, but when
he come to the serfuss
He was toterly
bald cos, y’see, he
A hev orn one o
them thar toopay things.
Well, that wunt
til arter he wus back in
His boat that he
rearlize that that wunt
Still orn his
head - at wot point he git orl
Erasserble and
he shout at the crew
To look for it
cos, y’see, that had corst
Him a lotta
money. Well, anyrud
They soon start
a lookin and that wunt long
Afore the camra
bluk thort he'd got it,
But when he git
it in, y’see, that tan
Out to be a
rabbet wot hed drownded.
Next orf the
sound bluk reckoned he'd got it
But when he git
it in that was only
An ole glove wot
someone must hev hulled out.
Well, in the end
that wus the intarvue
Bluk wot spot it
and he fish it out on
The tip o his
oar and he pars it back
To the direcktin
bluk - wot ring it out
And put it back
orn - only that dint look
Very gud cos, y’see,
by then that wus
Orl bedraggledy
and also he dint
Hev it orn
straight. Well, anyrud, that wus
When his hare
come orf that I reckernize
Him cos, y’see,
he hev bin out this way
Afore when he
come to do a filim
Of the
Waddingham St Michael Shew - wot
We hev orn every
year and wot hev
Animals and
wegetearbles n things,
But that wus the
year when qwite a few things
Went wrong becos,
y’see, Mrs. Carstle -
Wot allus do the
arrangements happin
To go down wi
the flue just afore hand,
So har
assistant, ole Mr. Beales,
Hev to tearke
over. Now, dorn't git me wrong
Old Bealesey is
a nice enuff bluk
But he int too
gud at orgernizin
Cos, y’see,
he's gettin on a bit now
And his memry
int wot it used to be,
So Mrs. Carstle
she do him a list
But the problem
wus that as soon as she
Give it to him
he put it some plearce safe,
So that he wunt
lose it and then, blow me
If, next day, he
dornt forget where it wus.
Well, anyrud he
git a gorn as best
He cud, but that
wunt very long afore
Things start a
goin astray. Now, fust orf
He leave it a
bit leart in phunin up
The Thrapston
Morris Men (wot we allus
Hev at our shew)
so by the toime he do
They wus alreddy
booked up some plearce else,
So he hev to git
suffin else and that
Tan out to be
the Norfolk Battle Grup,
Wot do them thar
battle reinackshuns
But, at the
toime, they hent never preformed
In publick
afore, so noboddy knew
Weather they wus
any gud or not. Next,
He toterly
ferget ole Mr. Grapes
Wot allus come
alorng each year to do
An expedishun of
thatchin for us,
Til, that is, he
bump inta him down at
The Pust Orfice
- where he do remembar -
Only by them
Grapesey hed got the hump
And wunt do it
anyway - so Beales
Hev to search
around for someboddy else
And eventual he
come up with some
Ole bluk wot do
torks on eel catchin.
Well, larst orf
he hev a bit o trubble
Findin a judge
for the 'Best Tearstin Cearke',
Wot is a
competishun wot we hev
Orn each year at
our shew but, y’see, thass
A jorb that
noboddy ever want cos,
The wimen folk
around these parts tearke it
Orl wery serius
and that allus
End up with the
poor ole judge gittin mobbed.
Well, in the end
that fall to the wicar
Cos they orl
reckoned that he'd be safer
Seein as how
he's a man o the clorth.
Well, yer
probabley a thinkin that orl
This dunt sound
too bad - wot o corse it dunt,
But, y’see,
that orl hev a part to play
In the ole chain
of events wot happin
That year. Now,
on the day o the shew that
Orl start orf
when a cupple o boys snuk
Inta the tent
where the eel bluk wus
To be a doin his
tork. Now, to mearke
His ole tork a
bit more intarestin
The eel bluk hed
brung alorng wi him
A buckut with
some live eels in it.
Now, as yew can
imagun, that wunt long
Afore the boys
find the buckut and start
Tryin to git a
hold o the eels.
Now eels int the
easiest o things
To git a grip on
so that wus only
A matter o toime
afore one on em
Slip outa the
ole buckut and onta
The floor. Now,
eels into loike fish becos,
Y’see, they
can git alorng just as well
Outa warter as
wot they can in it,
Provided, o
corse, that they dornt dry up.
Well now, at
just so happin that that year,
On the day afore
the shew, we hed hed
A gret hooge
thundar storm so the grass was
Still qwite wet,
so when the eel landed
That soon slide
orf. Now, at tan up agin,
About harf an
hour learter in the
Ole cearke tent
when it come out from under
A tearble just
as ole Mrs. Batch wus
Puttin the
finishin touches to har
Lemen spunge
cearke. Now, Mrs. Batch, she hev
A thing about
snearkes and naterally,
When she see it,
she reckoned that that wus
A snearke and so
she give a hooge holla,
And in the
process she nock orf har cearke,
Wot smash to
peaces on the floor. Now, that
Wunt hev bin
qwite so bad but she also
Nock orf Mrs.
Webb's cheese cearke wot also
Smash to peaces.
Now, Mrs. Webb hed won
The competishun
for the previus
Two year, so she
wus on for the trebble -
Suffin wot hent
never bin dun afore,
So yew can
imagun that she wunt too
Pleased about
it. Well, she mob Mrs. Batch
And Mrs. Batch a
mob har back and soon
That tan inta a
bit o a restle.
Now, the wicar,
wot hed just got started
On his cearke
tearstin, see it git a gorn,
So he step in
and try a breark it up,
But unfortunely
for him he step in
At just the
wrong moment and he catch a
Rite hook in the
eye orf o Mrs. Webb
Wot send him a
flyin out the tent door
And crashin rite
inta the leeder of
The Norfolk
Battle Grup wot wus standin
Just outside -
wot set orf his ole muskut.
Now, it just so
happin that a shot from
The leader
bluk's muskut wus the signal
Wot the grup use
to start orf thar shew, so
Straight away
they orl charge forwood inta
The ring with
thar ole cannons a blarstin
And thar muskuts
a firin - wot wunt hev
Bin too bad
only, y’see, the sheep bluk
Wus still in the
ring at the toime doin
His
demonstrashun and he just got to
The bit where he
and his dorg try n git
Orl o the sheep
inta the little pen.
Well, yew can
imagun wot the poor sheep
Must heva thort
when orl of a suddin
The Battle Grup
come chargin orn, mearkin
A hooge gret
rackut. Well, the sheep tearke one
Look at em and
straight away they charge orf
In every
direckshun - a leavin
The poor ole
sheep bluk a hangin onta
The string o the
geart wile his dog go
Tearin orf arter
them. Now that dint end
Thar becos, y’see,
the Battle Grup hent
Ever dun thar
battle afore on a
Field wot slope
- cos the one they practuss
Orn was very
flat, so they hent thort to
Bring with em
anythin to put under
The canon wheels
so, just arter they
Orl kick orf,
one o thar canons a start
To roll orf down
the field on its own.
Now, the
direckshun wot that roll orf in
Just so happin
to be the direckshun
Where the
direcktin bluk hev his camra.
Now, that wunt
hev bin a problem only,
Yew see, the
Direcktin bluk hev hisself
A spechal sorta
chair wot was about
Ten foot orf the
ground, wot give him a gud
Vue o things for
filimin but wot wunt
Too easy to git
down orf, so when he
See the canon a
comin he wunt sure,
At fust, weather
to jump orf or not, but
Y’see by the
toime he mearke up his mind
That wus too
leart. Well, anyrud the ole
Canon crash inta
the foot o his chair
And he go flyin
thru the air loike one
O them thar
acarobats and he come
Down rite on top
o the cokercut stall,
Wot toterly
demollush it and he
Even manearge to
nock orf one of the
Cokernuts with
his head, but Mrs. Black,
Wot run the
stall, wunt let him hev it cos
She a say that
he hev to use a ball.
Well, he just
lay there on the floor and dint
Say nuthin, so
eventual she knew
That he wunt too
well and so she go git
Them ole John's
Amblelance lot wot come out
Arter him with a
stretchar and tearke him
Back to thar ole
tent. Now, as it happin
He wunt the only
person wot they hev
In thar ole tent
becos, y’see, there wus
Also the sheep
bluk cos, y’see, arter
The Battle Grup
had charged inta the ring
He cunt
actuerlly git out agin,
So he hev to lay
fearce down wile orl of
The shootin wus
a goin on and so
He develup
shock. And next to him wus
The wicar cos,
by then, his ole left eye
Hed swooled rite
up so that he cunt hardly
See outa it and
so he hev to hold
A bag o them ice
coob things aginst it.
Well, that year
wus the busiest wot them
John's
Amblelance lot hev ever bin, and
Since then they
hent rearly hed much to do
Cos, y’see,
Mrs. Carstle hev bin back
In charge and so
things hev orl gorn smoothly
And we hev gorn
back to hevin the ole
Thrapston Morris
Men agin as normel,
Cos, arter orl -
wot posserble trubble
Can yew hev wi a
few ole bluks bangin
Thar sticks
togerther, jingellin thar bells
And a wavin thar
hankarchiffs about?
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