afternoon I'd a bluk come round
wus from Narridge Universalty
hev an intarest in lucal things,
he is a doin some reserchings
linguals and historicals and
hed bin a torkin with our wicar
the wicar say to him: "Why dunt yew
down and hev a word wi ole Henry
he hev lived in Little Waddingham
his loife and he know a thing or two."
that is wot this bluk dun cos yisdy,
I got back from the Pust Orfice
he wus on me ole doorstep with one
them thar tearpe recordin things a gorn.
we go in and get torkin
he say that he is intarested
the way people spuk some years ago
is now a dyin out in these parts
that he want to reserve it afore
too learte. Well, I say to him that thass
and that hev all come about dew
the spread of the motor car wot hev
tradis trudis proper ole willage loife.
as we wus a torkin he say that
wus also intarested in poms
stories and other such ritins wot
willage loife - wot naterally
us onta the subject of the ole
Anals wot everyone know of
wot concern them thar heroicals
gret deeds wot wus dun by Norfolk Men
the parst - at wot point - I say to him
there wus a lot of new anals too
hent bin rit down cos they is spuk ones
he wus wery intarested cos
hent never heard of the new anals
he say they must be 'aurial ones'
that mean.) Well, the upshot wus
he reckoned I shud rit down all
new anals wot I could remember
that they wud be reserved for a toime
the hull world hev tanned inta contrete.
he give me some pearper and a pen
he say I shud rit the new anals
loike them old riters hed rit the ole
wot he say was in blanket vurse
wot use iambical pentagrams
is wot Shakspar rit in. So I say
him that I'd give it a gud ole go.
he hev also arranged to borrer
tipe riter orf Mrs. Wellesby
do the minutes at our willage hall
that I can tipe rit up me anals,
he say that they hev to be tiped up
loike I hev rit them so that
is toterly orthentical loike.
I reckon yew hev the idea now
I better finish this prolong and
a gorn on the fust of me anals
is an anal wot concern a bluk
John Palmer (wot int his real nearme
corse, cos the Universalty bluk
that I hev to protect misself from
- wot mean I hev to change the nearmes.
when I say Palmer that int really
but somebody else.) So, Palmer
a house on our willage street wot is
next to Archie Wright's house - corse Archie
his real nearme either wot with this
liball busyness but thar yew go.
the two on em hent really
eye to eye for many a long year,
that all come to a head agin when
decide to build hisself a new
house for his ole free rangin chickins.
only problem wus that he started
build it rite along the line that run
thar two proparties. Now that ole
hev bin the sauce of more dispoots
them thar arabs and israils put
wot hev in the parst inwolved
solicitators a firin
back and forth. So when ole Archie
his buildin Palmer wus out
nite to check that ole boundry.
everythin wus a gorn all rite
Archie got onta the roof part.
the roof was a slopin roof wot leaned
about six inches from the hen house
when he hed a finished buildin it
wus actuerly a hangin down
Palmer's side of the line, so when
come out that nite wi his tape measur
rare near blew a gasgit and next day
go straight up to Narridge to see his
bluk wot demand that ole Archie
the roof orf his hen house and put on
new un wot dint hang over the line.
as yew can imagun Archie wunt
none of it and when he got it
the pustman he took at rite around
Palmers - lit at up and stuck at thru
letterbox. Well, yew can imagun
Palmer thought about that. So, that nite
waited till Archie hed gorn to bed
he come out into his gardun with
gret ole bow saw and he a sawed orf
bit of the roof wot hang over his
of the boundry line. Well, the next day
come out to get on wi his werk
at wunt long afore he saw his roof
bin sawed orf. Well, I wunt tell yew wot
say but yew can tearke at from me that
wunt wery pleased. Anyrud he got
inta his ole van and went orf to
urgent to see his legal bluk
the bluk reckoned that sawin orf part
constue constip was criminals damarge
instig inistig they set orf proceedins straight way.
at was about this toime that
hed some of his chickins killed orf
a fox or suffin but he reckoned
at wus Palmer's dog wot hed dun it
he hed one of them ole Dovermans)
that wunt really Palmer's dog at all
when Archie get an idea that int
a shiftin him. Well, straight away
go down to his ole shed and get out
gret ole tin of weedkiller wot he
hed on his shelf for years and dusted
orf. Then he go down to the butchars
is in the main street of our willage)
get hisself a nice bit of rump steak
he tearke back hume and wot he cover
weedkiller. Then he snuck round next door
put at rite next to the back door where
dog normerly hed all his food.
the only problem wus that that day
dog wunt in cos they hed sent him
to the kennals to do some sirin
at wus a
peddy predi a proper sort of dog
wus in demand, so that bit o steak
where at wus until learter on - cos
see, that evenin Palmer and his
had one of them Barbelly Cues
with at bein a warm evenin,
as Mrs. P wus a comin out
the kitchun with the meat she tript
the hull lot went a flyin. Well, she
up all the peaces wot she could find
include the bit with the weedkiller,
she dint notice in the commoshun.
they started thar cookin and wot with
charcoal ‘n all they dint notice that
of the bits was a bit whiffy loike.
unfortunely Mrs P pick out
the wrong bit with har tongs and put at
a nice little bun wi some pickel
hend it to Palmer wot tuck rite in.
arter one bite he wus a rollin
on the ground holdin his stumach
he was a moanin suffin awful.
she reckoned he was muckin about
he wunt cos he wus in agonies,
she dint realise - not rite away
arter a wile she know he wunt
about so she phun 999
ask for an ambelance to come out
at did rite quick. Next door, Archie hear
ambelance when at come but he dint
nuthin on it cos he reckoned that
wunt send an ambelance for a dog.
next day when Archie wook up there was
hull crowd of people outside Palmer's
include three policemen, two wi cars,
envirological health bluk from
counsel and one of them
ferren furen bluks wot do
for the police. By now Archie was
to regret that he hed dun in
dog (corse he dint know that he hent).
he reckoned he shud git rid
the weedkiller, so he put the tin
a sack wot he then put in his van.
he wus feelin a bit
up by now, so he hed a couple
nips outta his flarsk wot he keep in
old jackut pockut - only he
realise quit how many, so when
got inta his van he wus a bit
wuss for wear. Well, he rev at up and
start a reversin outta his drive
as he was a gorn out his foot slip
he hit the sellerator wot mean
shoot outta thar loike a rat outta
hule - wot wunt hev bin bad if the rud
bin clear at the toime, but at wunt cos
then another Police motor come
Archie plough rite inta the front of
result in em both bein rit orf.
there he wus, ole Archie Wright, hevin
in a police car and rit orf his
stuck in the middle of our main street
weedkiller drippin out his back doors
with breath on im wot cud stop a horse.
that thar envirological bluk
the fust to whiff the ole weedkiller
he hed whiffed earlier on on the
Cue and he tell the police
they all tanned to look at poor Archie.
Archie, wot int stupid, reckoned that
wus toime to come clean so he say to
Thrower (wot is our lucal one)
say: "I admit it, I killed the dog".
P.C. Thrower say to him: "Wot dog?"
Archie he say: "Palmer's dog, of corse."
that int dead," say the PC. "That int?"
Archie. "No", say the P.C., "that int."
wot point Archie got wery confused.
I am", say the P.C., " a chargin
with the tempted murder of Palmer."
murder of Palmer!", shout Archie
cunt believe his own ears - at wot point
all got too much for him and he faint."
when he come round next he found hisself
a sell at Narridge Police Stashun
not long arter he found hisself in
sell up Narridge nick. Howsomever,
got orf litely cos the jury knew
he hent ment to poison ole Palmer
his dorg, so they only give him
months. Palmer, meantime hed his stumach
out up at the Narridge Horspital
in about a week he wus all rite
as all rite as he can be that is)
since that nite him and Mrs P hent
another of them Barbelly Cues.
dun his porrudge loike a gud un
when he come out he hed forgot hens
wus inta rabbats cos when he wus
he read a book in thar libbry
explane him all about it and now
hev a breedin cage on his front lawn.
since then there hent bin no more
between em, but in our willage
know that that wunt be long afore that
start up agin. Even our wicar
gived up hope of Archie and Palmer
livin in piece and
trank trenq and goodwills.