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The Do

Larst Tewsdy week I'd a reporter bluk

Come round wot wus from our lucal pearper,

Wot is the Easten Dailey Press, wot

Want to do one o them thar intarvues

On me cos, y’ see, the Prufusser hev

Bin orn Radeo Norfolk a torkin

About me, and so the editar bluk

At the EDP must hev reckoned that

I wus worth a story in his pearper.

Well, the reportar bluk wot they send out

Dint git orn too well cos, y’ see, he wus

One o them thar cubs reportars wot hed

Only just moved up here from Buckenham

So he dint rearly know his way around.

Well, he set orf from Narridge okay, but

When he get to Gret Waddingham he tearke

The wrong tannin and he go orf alorng

Low Rud towoods Waddingham St Peter

Wot is toterlly the wrong direckshun.

Now, bein as how he wus a bluk from

The city he wunt used to our ole ruds

And so he driv alorng far too farst, wot

Wunt hev bin too bad - only we hed hed

A hooge amount of rain leartly wot hev

Warshed a lotta mud orf o the fields

Onta the ruds. Now, harf way down Low Rud

There's a wery narsty ole corner wot

A dubble back orn itself - wot yew hev

To tearke very moderately. Well, he

Go a steamin round there doin at least

Thatty miles an hour and as he

Wus a tannin he run inta a hooge

Lump o mud wot send him rite orf the rud

And straight inta the ditch. Now, cos o orl

The rain wot we hev bin hevin leartly

That ole ditch wus full to bustin and so

He cunt just step outa his motor, so

He hev to wade back to the rud - wot wunt

A gud idea cos, y’see, the ditch run

Outa the back o Harroven's pig farm

So that int very sweet. Well, anyrud

He cunt shift his motor so he go up

The rud and he nock up ole Harroven

And arsk for a hend and ole Harroven,

Wot is a nayberly sorta bluk, he

Git out his ole tracter and he a tow

The reportar's motor outa the ditch

And back onta the rud, but when the bluk

Come to start it agin that wunt go cos

That hev too much warter inside o it.

Well, by then, the toime was a getting orn

And the reportar bluk wus worried that

He wunt git his intarvue on me dun,

So Harroven agree to driv him round

To moine in his tracter, but by the toime

He git there I hed alreddy gorn out

Cos, y’ see, Tewsdy nite is me crib nite

Up 'The Swan'. Well, ole Harroven point him

Up the rud and that wunt long afore he

Tan up in the bar, but as soon as he

Step inside he a stink the hull plearce out -

Wot wi that thar ditch warter – and so Fred

Order him out - at wot point he cunt tearke

No more and he slump down onta a chair.

Well, Fred tearke pity on him and he say

That he can warsh hisself up in the Gents,

Wot is wot he do, and when he come out

He do his intarvue on me and then

He sit in orn a gearme o crib and he

Loos a tenner so, y’see, rearly, that

Wunt his day orl around. Well, anyrud

I better git a gorn on me next un,

Wot, this toime, actuerlly concern old

Harroven cos, y’see, he's married to

A gal called Vanessa - o corse that int

Har real nearme - nor for that mattar is

Harroven his real nearme but, o corse,

Yew know orl that by now. Well, Venessa

Wus fermous in Waddingham St Peter

(Wot is where they live) cos, y’see, she wunt

Happy with har stashun in loife cos she

Dint think much to ole Harroven bein

A pig farmer, cos o the smell n orl

And she dint think much, nyther, to thar house

Cos she reckoned that that wunt big enuff

And wunt locearted in the rite part o

The willage. So, wot she do to mearke up

For orl o that wus to hev 'do's' where she

Invite orl the posh folks from the other

End o the willage so that she cud tork

About it learter down the Pust Orfice.

Now, it just so happin, that a few year

Ago an ole widder woman move up

To Waddingham St Peter from Surray

And straight orf Venessa knew that she was

The sorta person wot she shud inwite

To one o har do's. Now Venessa, wot

Is a wery nosey person - she arsk

About the willage and she soon find out

That the widder woman's ole man hed bin

One o them thar Wing Commandar bluks, wot

Hed flew durin the war, wot straight away

Convince har to hev anuther one of

Har do's. Well, next day she go round puttin

Inwites thru folk's lettarboxes, but

When she come to the widder's - instead

O just puttin it thru she mearke a point

O nockin har up so she cud go orn

To har about har do's. Well, in the end

The widder a say 'yis' - must probabley

Just to git rid on har, and Venessa

Go hume feelin very chuft wi harself.

Now, Venessa wus determined to mearke

This ticular do har best ever, so

She git ole Harroven a gorn on jorbs.

Now, fust orf she hev him lay a new parth

Out the front, so that har gessts wunt hev to

Walk parst the pig unats on thar way in.

Next she hev him fix thar sign cos, y’see,

The dubble yews hed fallen orf so it

Read 'illo Farm' instead o 'Willow Farm',

And larst orf she send him up to Narridge

To the dellycat delleec to the posh food shop wot they hev

To git har some things - wot include them thar

Stuft ollaves, that ole celarmey sossidge

And some o that sorce for har vooleevongs.

Now, wile orl this was a goin orn

Our lucal Animal Rites Grup - wot hev

That hidkwarters some plearce up in Narridge -

Was plannin thar next raid. Now, it happin

That, at the toime, they was concertratin

Thar efferts orn pigs cos, y’see, they dunt

Loike pigs a bein reared for eatin, nor

Them bein lockt up in them unats.

Now, it just so happin that outa orl

The pig farms in Norfolk the one wot they

Pick out tan out to be ole Harroven's

And the day wot they pick tan out to be

The searme Sundy as Venessa's ole do.

Well, o corse, Venessa hent no idea

Wot was a headin har way and so she

Just carry on wi har preparashuns.

Well, the day in queschun soon come around

And har gessts start a tannin up about

Elevan thatty, and she greet em orl

At the front door in har posh voice wot she

Allus put on for har do's cos, y’see,

She hev hed some o them ellocew elocush torkin lessins

Wot mearke har sound very posh, but realy

She tork just loike orl o the rest o us.

Anyrud, the widder tan up at twalve

And Venessa mearke a hooge fuss o har

And straight orf tearke har around the hull room

Introdushin har to orl the folks, loike

She hed a known har for years - wot, o corse,

She hent - cos that was only a fortnite,

And then she collar har up a corner

And go orn to har about har bran new

Barthroom - wot she hed just hedda put in

And wot hed one o them thar beday things

Wot the French folks hev, wot she only hev

Cos she reckoned that that wud mearke har one

Up on everyone else. Now, meantoime,

Out in the rud them Animal Rites lot

Hed orl tanned up in thar ole transat van

And was alreddy harf way acrorse the

Field towards Harroven's pig unats.

Now, becos it wus a Sundy, there wunt

Noboddy about cos ole Ted - wot is

Harroven's pig bluk - dornt werk on Sundys

And, of corse, Harroven wunt about cos

He wus in the livin room at the do,

So they dint hev no trubble walkin in

And that wunt too long afore they started

To open up the unats and shew out

The pigs. Now, it happin that Harroven's

Back yard act loike a sorta funnell, so

Soon there wus hundrids o pigs a pressin in,

But there wunt no plearce for them to go to.

Well, it wus at that point that one o them

Animal Rites lot decide to open

Harroven's back door and let in a pig,

But the problem wus that arter they hed

Let one in they cunt git the door closed up

So about thatty others go in too.

Well, that wunt wery long afore them pigs

Find thar way inta Venessa's kitchun

Wot is just alorng from the back door, but

Luckerly they cunt git no further cos,

Y’ see, the door between the kitchun and

The house was shut - but the trubble wus that

That dint end there cos, y’ see, Venessa

Hed left one o them thar percolearters

A goin on the side - wot wunt hev bin

A problem only the wire from it

Wus hangin down over the edge, so that

Wunt long afore one o the pigs git its

Snout around it and yank the hull lot orf

The top - wot bring down a cupple o pints

O boilin warter rite onta the back

O a hooge gret ole sow - wot, o corse, go

Woild with the pain. Now, the fust thing that

She crash inta was the ole door between

The kitchun and the rest o the house - wot

Wunt rearly up to much and so that come

Straight orfa its hinges. Now, out the back

The pigs wus still a pressin in so that

The ones wot was in the kitchun was orl

Gittin agertearted, so when a bit

O spearce appear - naterally they charge

Forward. Now, the fust o the pigs thru wus

The gret hooge ole sow wot head orf alorng

Venessa's hallway and then a tan rite

At the end and go straight inta the ole

Livin room where the gessts was locearted.

Now, yew can imagun wot Venessa

Must hev felt loike when orl o a sudden

A hooge gret pig strole inta the middle

O the room just as har gessts was startin

Orn thar trifell - but, y’see, the thing was

That the gessts - they wunt harf as horreyfied

As wot the pig wus cos, y’see, she wunt

Exspectin a hull room full o humans

And so she do wot most beests do when they

Git fearful - only that dint qwite come out

As a lump but more loike it wus squerted

Outa a gardun huzz. Now, the fust one

To cop it wus our vicar cos, y’see,

He wus standin directley behind har

And he wus so shockt that he go over

Backwoods and sit down on the gattoo, wot

Wus on one o them littel ole trolleys

Wot hed wheels orn so, y’see, when he

Sit down that shoot rite out from under him

And that catch Mrs Ogilvy rite up

The backside and she go head fust inta

The lemon cheese cearke - but, that dint end there

Cos, y’see, when the other pigs come in

The ole sow git tanned round a bit so that

Har back end wus then a pointin in a

Differunt direckshum - wot happin to be

The direckshum where the ole widder wus

Sittin, so when the sow do har next squert

That go orl over the widder's posh frock.

Well, as yew can imagun, Venessa

Wus horreyfied and straight orf she holler

To old Harroven to do suffin, but

To be onest there wunt a lot wot he

Cud hev dun - even it he'd bothered to

Try - wot, in fact, he dint. Well, anyrud,

Venessa rush over to the widder

And she start tryin to clean har up with

Some pearper napkens, but she dint git far

Cos they int wery gud aginst pig muck,

But, y’see, wile she wus bendin down

Next to the widder woman the ole sow,

Wot everyone thort hed finished by them,

A hev one larst go - wot becos she wus

So low down - catch Venessa in the fearce.

Now they wunt sure weather it wus the smell

Or weather it was the shock of it, but

Anyrud, she pars out and Harroven

He hev to phun up for an amblelance

Wot soon come out from the Norfolk Genral

And pick har up - only, cos o the smell

They hev to hev the back doors open orl

The way back to Narridge. Well, Venessa

Wus orl rite cos, y’see, she only hev

A bit o that thar shock and that wunt long

Afore she was back out at 'Willow Farm',

But since then she hent hed no more of har

Do's - wot Harroven hev bin chuft about

Cos he never did loike em anyway,

And wot's more he hent hed qwite so many

Jorbs to be a doin about the plearce.

Well, that only leave me the morell - wot

This toime is that, in loife, yew shunt try to

Be suffin wot yew int cos in the end

That'll allus come round and catch yew up

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

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